Sorry its been so long since I posted and stumped everyone with the scan results. We have been very busy with the boys starting their summer sports. Well Mark more so then me. I am also still researching some more treatments and trying hard to get this damn nasty bone pain under control. I am on a new weight gain program. Its only been two weeks but still no luck. I have also been taking some appetite enhancers. That seems to be working well. Dr. Friedland explained to me that my cancer is working so hard to take over and my body is fighting so hard to stop it. That struggle is burning so many calories it hard to maintain a healthy weight, but it is so important. So please pray I start putting some on. We are leaving in mid June for Nashville to Vanderbilt to get some advice from Dr. Liu. I am praying he has some options for me. In the meantime, with much hesitation, I am starting Sutent chemotherapy. The $8800 a month drug is covered by my insurance, but the joke it that it has a $663 co-pay. UGH insurance companies are true crocks.
The boys are helping me forget a little about all the above because like I said they started their spring sports and summer leagues. So we have two in baseball, one in soccer and two in summer/spring basketball. Just typing that sentence makes me feel blessed that I am here to see them play. I don't get to every game now, especially when the weather is cold or rainy. If a virus is not caught the bone pain puts me over the edge. It makes me sad because I remember when the boys were young and saying that I would never miss anything they did if I could help it. I do try really hard though to make it to most of them. I was thinking that I was burden for them to have me tag along. I'm in so much pain and its harder for me to walk. Then I can't stay long. So if Mark is coaching and I'm having a bad pain day its impossible for me to sit though a two to three hour baseball game. But they made it clear they just want me there to see a little. So I try to drive myself or the other day a friend took me. Tonight Austen had a basketball game. Yes basketball, when you reach High School sports are all year long. This is just a summer league. I felt pretty good because it was a gorgeous day in the Burg. We made it there just in time to drop him off but he said he will wait until we park to help me. I told him to go but he insisted that he had enough time. When he helped me out of the car he asked me where my little purple pillow was. I take it to alot of place because its good for the spine pain. I told him I would not bring it to where anyone would notice because I don't want to embarrass him. He gave me the old teenage shrug and mumbled, "you will never embarrass me mom". I felt so happy that he did not think I was a burden.
I have so much to get you caught up on. First I want to tell everyone about an experience I had a week ago Sunday. In the early afternoon, beautiful perfect day, I went to Logan's soccer game. I love watching him play. He's a goalie, like Mark was, so its a lot of pressure. He doesn't feel the pressure, his mom feels the pressure. I watch the game with one eye closed and one eye open, just like I watch Austen's and Nolan's pitch in baseball. Ugh the Pressure! Anyways I was sitting with my favorite soccer family, the Abdulovics and we were talking about my scans results, my treatments and just the cancer battle in general. I tend to be very candid with them because they have been by my side since the battle began. So its important for them to know what going on. Also, they are just that couple that I know I could pick up the phone anytime and they would be standing by my door to help. Help not just me but Mark and the kids. In fact this Halloween Janet went all over Pittsburgh to find a special custom for Nolan with literally no notice. I was told they were sold out everywhere and I had chemo early that day so I knew I would not be able to go search. Well she found it. I want you to understand I know I am blessed that I have so many people in my life that would do that and the Abdulovics are those special ones.
Anyways sitting next to me was a Dad from the other team, who I must say looked completely overwhelmed, with his two sons. They were older maybe 10 and 13 and not very well behaved. It wasn't bothering me because having three boys I have had times like those. However, I could tell the dad was embarrassed and had little control. They were actually fighting each other and really disrespecting the disheveled dad. Towards the last half of the game the older boy pushed the younger one and he landed right in front of me touching me feet. The dad apologized to me and I said that I have boys and understand. I believe the man had been listen to our conversation early and already knew that. He then asked me if they fight like that. Janet who somehow thinks that my boys are perfect, which they are not, shook her head no to the man. They do bicker at times but the don't lay the hands on each other. To spare his feeling I told him they bicker. He then began to tell me he was a single father and they lost their mother to cancer six months ago. At that moment I felt an instant connection along with a big lump in my throat. I could tell he wanted to talk about it so he quickly continued on about the mess the boys where in. I asked him what cancer she past from. At that moment his answer almost knocked Janet, Daryl and myself to our knees because he said Carcinoid. We continued to talk about her battle which only lasted 9 months, with 6 of those months in bed. It broke my heart. I could not help but think despite my last scan results and the struggles I have been having how blessed I was to have four years, as of yesterday, from diagnosis especially since they told me my battle would be six to nine months. Four tough years but four years. Several surgeries, trips to several doctors all over the United States, many tough chemo treatments, clinical trails and trips to Switzerland in those four years but four years. Four years to see my kids play sports, go to school, first formal dance, knee surgery, sports disappoints, music concerts and several other milestones. Four years to love my boys like there was no tomorrow. How blessed am I!!!!
So not only did this mother have carcinoid cancer and three boys close in age, one actually a goalie like Logan, she was a photographer as well. He said that there were so few pictures of her with the kids because she took them all. He must of heard me earlier tell Janet and Daryl that all I wanted for Mother's Day was to have a new family portrait taken. Because in all the pictures, I being the photographer I am always behind the camera. But not just a portrait but fun taking the portrait; good attitude and all. The crazy likeness to both of our families was so incredible. What a crazy experience? Or was it? In the words of my pastor, "you go know place by accident, where ever you are God is sending you". During our conversation the dad mentioned to me that he is so angry with God for taking her away from him and the boys. He talked about how much he loved her and what an amazing mother she was. He said that he worked all the time and she did all the "kids stuff". Our conversation about God moved on quite smoothly, which surprised me. We continued to talk about God and this man's Christian religion; I mostly listening and he mostly talking. He said he was a strong Christian before she got sick and they never missed church. The kids participated in all the church groups and his wife did several Bible studies. I asked him if he still has faith that there is a God and he said yes. But he said, " I am angry at Him". He is working hard to get through the anger with his pastor but he is really struggling. I am not real good at preaching, especially at a soccer field, so I really did not know what to say. As he was going on about his anger, which is completely understandable, I just said a quick pray silently asking for the words to say to him.
As the game ended Daryl started cleaning up my space, see how they have my back (I always bring a chair, the purple pillow for my spine, and some food). I said my goodbyes to dad, and told him I will be praying for his peace with the Lord and I know then everything else will fall into place. He then reached out and gave me a hug. It was awkward but I knew it was what he needed to do. However, I was very relieved the conversation was over. It emotionally drained me. As The Abdulovics and I walked to back to our cars we were all wiping our tears. We were in awe of what just happened. We all were putting Mark in the place of that man. I hope they realized, like I did, that the meeting was meant to be. As I was driving home I could not help but think how much I needed that man to tell me his story that day. He was thanking me for listen meanwhile I was thinking how lucky I was to hear it. After the week of bad news and feeling kinda down I just got smacked in the face with how blessed I really am. So the scans are worse and I am sicker then before, I am here watching my boy play soccer. My husband is on the sidelines coaching and watching me from across the field. I am sitting with wonderful people, play with their five year old and able to talk to them about my cancer.
Janet tried so hard to hold back her tears but the fact that she cried to me made me feel so loved. Her telling me that she could not stop thinking about Mark gave me strength. I know that when the time comes that will not be my husband because he will be surrender by people who care and love us. I know that we will have many looking out for Mark and most importantly the boys. I worry about Mark being alone and the boys not have the "mom things" done for them. I think all the time of all the little behind the scene things I do. The past four years I have been so blessed to have the privilege to teach them so much. On the flip side of that I feel like I have crammed a life time of lessons into four years. But after sitting next to that man at a soccer game I now understand my urgency more. Thank you Lord for that smack of reality. Thank you for helping me appreciate the time I have here. Mostly thank you for putting people and situations in our lives just when we need it. As I am writing this post I almost wonder if that whole incident even happened. Was that man for real or was he some kind of messenger. Could his situation be so similar to ours with such a different outcome? Why was their out and mot us? Whatever it was it defiantly shook me to reality and not let this cancer run my life. I once again reminded myself what the doctor told me sucks but he is a scientist reading the scan facts. The real doctor is the man above. Mostly, I learned that I need to keep the fight going no matter how hard at times it going to get. I have been in such agony lately and then the latest results came, that I've been wondering if God is telling me something; like relax and let it good. But this guy woke me up and I realized God is saying, "Get your ass going and start fighting." Not sure if God uses "Ass" but why not.
Please keep all families fighting cancer in your prays. Tomorrow I was asked by the American Cancer society to speak at the closing dinner for the Relay for Life. I will be speaking to all the survival. I hate the word survival when people are still fighting but it is what they call those who beat cancer and are still battling. I speak many places and times but this one is going to be tough. Looking out to those who have gone through what my family is going through is really tough for me because I know the pain they have in there heart and in their uphill battle. So please keep me in your prays. Love you all. Thank you for loving me through this journey.
Until Next Time,
Sunny
Sunny's husband Mark tells their story...
Friday, May 18, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Scan results
I know many are waiting for the results of my most recent scans. Thank you all for the prayers. I have to tell you when I am asked if anyone can do something for me and I ask for pray it is really what I need. As many of you know,who are fighting carcinoid cancer, the answer to scans are not always straight forward and prises. Carcinoid is such an odd cancer and one time it shows up so clear on scans and other times it just hides itself. Hence the Zebra mascot. So there was a lot that went into interrupting my scans this time. Then Mark and I had to talk with the boys and figure out a game plan. Once again not an easy task. We like to do this with much thought and time. Of course time is not on my side but I have to careful at just blurting out information that is not all summed up. My friends and boys sometimes read what they want to read and not what I am actually writing.
With all that said, the results were mixed. There is evidence that the Swiss treatment, (Y90), is doing something. It is still showing attachment to many tumors and some are being invaded. There is no shrinkage at this time but that not saying it still can't happen. Unfortunately there are several new lesions in several different places. Some larger bone mets, explains all the horrific pain, and some small one in my left and only lung. Which has always been clear and beautiful. There is also action in the liver again. However they don't know what that is until they compare those with the Swiss scans. We are waiting for that. The scans show the the cancer is speeding up. But like I stated they are small and the lung is a big organ. The question is how fast are they growing. Many times you read about carcinoid cancer as being a slow growing cancer. That frustrates me because MANY times that is not the case and much of the information on the Internet is outdated now. My carcinoid cancer has never been slow. When it is in its growing season is spreads like that bad honeysuckle I had filling my yard as a kid. When its frozen out is stays stable then once it starts growing again it invades quickly. My point being I need to take fast action on the new mets that appeared.
We have twp plans of action. One laid out by Dr. Friedland, my oncologist, and one laid out by Mark and I. Dr. Friedland changed a lot of my meds. He put me one a weight gaining drug, I am way below 100 lbs., and wants me to start the chemo drug Sutent. I am looking for any carcinoid patients that have tried it. Please email you findings. It has some nasty side effects and I am a little afraid I am not strong enough for it right now. However, I did go to pick it up and good news it that my insurance covers it. BAD NEWS is my copayment is $332 a month. But we are going to pay it, not sure how yet but God provides. Mark and I are planning on going to see two specialist in the very near future to see what their recommendations are. One is Dr. Liu in Nashville and the other is the famous Dr. Woltering in New Orleans. Hopefully we can get in to see them in the next couple of weeks. I am really worried about making the trip with the condition I am in but once again God will lead us.
There is more but the above it the most important and most to be concerned about. I have to say that all the support and love I get has really gotten both Mark and I through days when we have results like these. I ask for more prays. I especially need prays for my boys and Mark. Watching me suffer so has really been a struggle for them. I sometimes wonder if it would be easier to go into the hospital to get through things when they get bad. I think its not fair for my boys and Mark to have to see me at my worse. Not to mention I can not handle the pain at times either. But Mark refuses to hear of any of that.
Please pray for our family. Please pray for pease and acceptance. Please pray that when it get really bad I have the power to do the whole reach down and whip some fighti. We will get through this looking like we know what we are doing. Thank you all for reaching out and please continue it keeps me alive.
Sunny
With all that said, the results were mixed. There is evidence that the Swiss treatment, (Y90), is doing something. It is still showing attachment to many tumors and some are being invaded. There is no shrinkage at this time but that not saying it still can't happen. Unfortunately there are several new lesions in several different places. Some larger bone mets, explains all the horrific pain, and some small one in my left and only lung. Which has always been clear and beautiful. There is also action in the liver again. However they don't know what that is until they compare those with the Swiss scans. We are waiting for that. The scans show the the cancer is speeding up. But like I stated they are small and the lung is a big organ. The question is how fast are they growing. Many times you read about carcinoid cancer as being a slow growing cancer. That frustrates me because MANY times that is not the case and much of the information on the Internet is outdated now. My carcinoid cancer has never been slow. When it is in its growing season is spreads like that bad honeysuckle I had filling my yard as a kid. When its frozen out is stays stable then once it starts growing again it invades quickly. My point being I need to take fast action on the new mets that appeared.
We have twp plans of action. One laid out by Dr. Friedland, my oncologist, and one laid out by Mark and I. Dr. Friedland changed a lot of my meds. He put me one a weight gaining drug, I am way below 100 lbs., and wants me to start the chemo drug Sutent. I am looking for any carcinoid patients that have tried it. Please email you findings. It has some nasty side effects and I am a little afraid I am not strong enough for it right now. However, I did go to pick it up and good news it that my insurance covers it. BAD NEWS is my copayment is $332 a month. But we are going to pay it, not sure how yet but God provides. Mark and I are planning on going to see two specialist in the very near future to see what their recommendations are. One is Dr. Liu in Nashville and the other is the famous Dr. Woltering in New Orleans. Hopefully we can get in to see them in the next couple of weeks. I am really worried about making the trip with the condition I am in but once again God will lead us.
There is more but the above it the most important and most to be concerned about. I have to say that all the support and love I get has really gotten both Mark and I through days when we have results like these. I ask for more prays. I especially need prays for my boys and Mark. Watching me suffer so has really been a struggle for them. I sometimes wonder if it would be easier to go into the hospital to get through things when they get bad. I think its not fair for my boys and Mark to have to see me at my worse. Not to mention I can not handle the pain at times either. But Mark refuses to hear of any of that.
Please pray for our family. Please pray for pease and acceptance. Please pray that when it get really bad I have the power to do the whole reach down and whip some fighti. We will get through this looking like we know what we are doing. Thank you all for reaching out and please continue it keeps me alive.
Sunny
Thursday, April 26, 2012
About Results
Hello my friends. I know that everyone is waiting for the results of my last scans done on Fri. I did have a doctor's appointment today where we went over them. However, the original scans were compared to an older scan and not the scans I had done in Switzerland. Even though my oncologist still could read what was going on we don't have all the size answers. He is sending them back to radiology to have them be compared to the right scans. I promise as soon as we figure everything out and I can filter through all the findings I will post them.
I am not trying to cushion any news, I just don't want to write inaccurate information. Not to mention Mark and I have not sat down and talked about any options. So as soon as Mark and I are all updated we will talk to everyone about them. I do however ask for prayer while my oncologist, Dr. Friedland, consults with other specialist.
Love you all,
Sunny
I am not trying to cushion any news, I just don't want to write inaccurate information. Not to mention Mark and I have not sat down and talked about any options. So as soon as Mark and I are all updated we will talk to everyone about them. I do however ask for prayer while my oncologist, Dr. Friedland, consults with other specialist.
Love you all,
Sunny
Monday, April 23, 2012
HOPE
Last week a friend of mine sent me a CD of music written by a man with a brain tumor. When David Bailey was diagnosed he was told by many doctors he had six months to a year to live, sounds familiar. David, spent his time writing inspirational and Christian music while he fought through his treatments. David lost his battle after a 14 year fight but he defiantly gave the world his gifts. He proved the doctors wrong in so many ways. One of his songs, "Lived Forever", he talks about the day the doctors gave him the news. He said the doctor may be smart but the Lord is my doctor. On the inside cover of his one CD titled "Hope" he writes the following:
Hope is...the river of life between the shores of love and the bridges that joins the two.
Hope is...the first ray of sunlight in the dawn of each new day.
Hope is...the song of the dogwood that echoes in the dead of winter.
Hope is...the journey to the undiscovered and the safe harbor that awaits your return.
Hope is...a silent street at midnight in the middle of the city.
Hope is...life at the oasis, vision at the summit, and peace in the valley
Hope surrounds you like the mist surrounds the rocky coast; it is with you as you sleep and greets you as you wake.
it is the shirt upon you back, the belt around your waist, the sandal on your foot.and the prayer within your soul.
Remember the nervous flight of the autumin leaf;
Hope is the wind that catches it, carries it, tenders it,
and finally delivers it the rest beside the acorn.
Hope is the art of faith;
it is where theses songs were born
and how they found their wings.
These are words I've wanted to say but don't know how to say them. Hope is all I have to hang onto. Today I had a day of cancer frustration. I went to Hillman to receive my treatment and for a scheduled appointment for my oncologist to discuss my big scan results from Friday. These scans will determine one if the Switzerland treatment has done anything. Two it will hopefully why my pain has increased in the last six months. They are to be sent to Switzerland so that I can plan out my next treatment step. When I got there of course my insurance was not covering a treatment that I have been getting for two years and has always been covered. Which meant until I go home and do the three hour phone calls to straighten it all up, NO TREATMENTS. Then I go to my appointment and the scans have not even been read yet. They want me to wait while they rush a reading. Like I am asking for them to grade a term paper or something. This is my life on film, I was not letting them rush through the reading of them and giving me a half attempt for a report. I have been there and done that show before. It is not reading tea leaves or tarot cards. This is terminal cancer you are looking at. The importance of a great report is what will determine my fight. So we reschedule it all.
I started to get upset and angry that both Mark and I waisted a whole day. Mark taking off work and me struggling in this unexpected freezing tempsI thought about my hope. I felt like nobody who are suppose to be taking care of me had no respect for me or my time. They go on with their lives after the make the typo error for insurance codes or take their time in looking at few scans. They don't see their time as an hour glass like I do....what does it matter if I need to wait. They are not going anywhere. I felt a tear ran down my face. Not a tear of sadden but a tear of defeat. Then I starting thinking about hope. The words above which I read as I waited for Mark to get ready to take me to the appointments start going over in my head. "HOPE SUNNY".....I kept hearing. I looked at Mark who normally would be fuming and cursing. He seemed like he could care less that we waisted our time. I said no more about the day while I wiped me tears. Then I thought, "find something good in this or you will go crazy". I then realized that If I had treatment I would not be able to go to Nolan's basketball game tonight. At that moment I had HOPE.
Whatever the results are I put in God's hands. It's not going to change my love for my children, my toughest fight or my FAITH AND HOPE!!!! So what is a few day. Not to mention I got to go to his game.
I will be getting my results later this week. I promise I will write a post on the results, the next game plan and why my pain is so bad. However it may take me a few days for me to disgust and make plans. Please understand that.
With love,
Sunny
Hope is...the river of life between the shores of love and the bridges that joins the two.
Hope is...the first ray of sunlight in the dawn of each new day.
Hope is...the song of the dogwood that echoes in the dead of winter.
Hope is...the journey to the undiscovered and the safe harbor that awaits your return.
Hope is...a silent street at midnight in the middle of the city.
Hope is...life at the oasis, vision at the summit, and peace in the valley
Hope surrounds you like the mist surrounds the rocky coast; it is with you as you sleep and greets you as you wake.
it is the shirt upon you back, the belt around your waist, the sandal on your foot.and the prayer within your soul.
Remember the nervous flight of the autumin leaf;
Hope is the wind that catches it, carries it, tenders it,
and finally delivers it the rest beside the acorn.
Hope is the art of faith;
it is where theses songs were born
and how they found their wings.
These are words I've wanted to say but don't know how to say them. Hope is all I have to hang onto. Today I had a day of cancer frustration. I went to Hillman to receive my treatment and for a scheduled appointment for my oncologist to discuss my big scan results from Friday. These scans will determine one if the Switzerland treatment has done anything. Two it will hopefully why my pain has increased in the last six months. They are to be sent to Switzerland so that I can plan out my next treatment step. When I got there of course my insurance was not covering a treatment that I have been getting for two years and has always been covered. Which meant until I go home and do the three hour phone calls to straighten it all up, NO TREATMENTS. Then I go to my appointment and the scans have not even been read yet. They want me to wait while they rush a reading. Like I am asking for them to grade a term paper or something. This is my life on film, I was not letting them rush through the reading of them and giving me a half attempt for a report. I have been there and done that show before. It is not reading tea leaves or tarot cards. This is terminal cancer you are looking at. The importance of a great report is what will determine my fight. So we reschedule it all.
I started to get upset and angry that both Mark and I waisted a whole day. Mark taking off work and me struggling in this unexpected freezing tempsI thought about my hope. I felt like nobody who are suppose to be taking care of me had no respect for me or my time. They go on with their lives after the make the typo error for insurance codes or take their time in looking at few scans. They don't see their time as an hour glass like I do....what does it matter if I need to wait. They are not going anywhere. I felt a tear ran down my face. Not a tear of sadden but a tear of defeat. Then I starting thinking about hope. The words above which I read as I waited for Mark to get ready to take me to the appointments start going over in my head. "HOPE SUNNY".....I kept hearing. I looked at Mark who normally would be fuming and cursing. He seemed like he could care less that we waisted our time. I said no more about the day while I wiped me tears. Then I thought, "find something good in this or you will go crazy". I then realized that If I had treatment I would not be able to go to Nolan's basketball game tonight. At that moment I had HOPE.
Whatever the results are I put in God's hands. It's not going to change my love for my children, my toughest fight or my FAITH AND HOPE!!!! So what is a few day. Not to mention I got to go to his game.
I will be getting my results later this week. I promise I will write a post on the results, the next game plan and why my pain is so bad. However it may take me a few days for me to disgust and make plans. Please understand that.
With love,
Sunny
Friday, April 20, 2012
Scan Day
Well this is the day that will determine if all the money we spent to get to Switzerland was worth it. Today is my scan day. I am sitting here at Hillman Cancer Center in the waiting room filled with cancer patients or maybe cancer patients all waiting to see if there life is going to change forever. As I look around, I love people watching, I want so badly to give each one a huge hug. I've been fighting for so long and had hundreds of scan I guess I don't get as anxious as most. It is so interesting to see how each person handles their wait. For some reason even without looking for the wrist bracelets I got really good at determining which one is the patient and which one is the loved one or ones sitting with them. To the left of me is a well dressed man in a suit sitting with I think must be his wife. She is all done up to the nines and is flipping through an Arhouse Funiture Magazine. Every once in a while she leans over to him and shows him a page, he shakes his head and puts on a fake smile. He keeps checking his messages on his cell phone and answering his emails. He seems annoyed that he has to wait because he really needs to get back to work and make some of the money his wife is planning on spending. But I think deep down they are both a nervous wreck. Mark is sitting a across from him and the man in the suit and Mark strike up a conversation about waiting. I want to say, "Listen dude cancer does not wait for you to close a deal. Suck it up".
Two rows in front of me is a woman in her 50's I would say. Who knows though she could be in her 20's but cancer ages many? She is in a wheelchair and has a scarf over her bald head. She looks exhausted. She caught me looking at her and we smile at each other. I think she is alone. Over by the door is elderly man smiling from ear to ear. He is drinking that nasty crap they make us drink and he is loving it. It looks like his wife and maybe his son are sitting with him. They too have a smile on their faces but behind it is a worry I can see. He is loving that drink crap. He is holding his wife's hand and leaning over his lap to struck up conversation with his son who I would say is in his late 40's and dressed pretty well too. That man just seems happy to be with his family even though it in the waiting room for cancer scans. Goodness that little old man is an inspiration. His son seems to think so too.
There is a man with a whole group of people with him sitting on the other side of the room. I am listening to them talking to another couple sitting there. They drove four hours to get here for a PET CT SCAN. They must of taken a big van because there is a whole group of them. They seem to be making the best of the situation. It sure is nice to see all those people supporting him. The nurse just called the little old mans name to come to the back. Mr. Kennedy was his name and he jump right up and said, "I'm yours for a while, but my wife wants me back. The girl laughed and his wife shook her head yes and she looked so sad". He hopped right back with the nurse with that same big smile on. I bet he's trying to put a big front on for his wife and son. What a true leader of his family! I looked back over to the son and wife and she is now holding her son's hand. SWEET!!! I hope he gets good news.
I think I am next so I am going to end now. I will not get any results back until next week and I will update with a post. PROMISE. Please pray that I can finish the scan. It so painful for me anymore. I am putting the results in God's hands. What they are they are and I can't worry about them. It's out of my control right now.
Just called me name.
Sunny
Two rows in front of me is a woman in her 50's I would say. Who knows though she could be in her 20's but cancer ages many? She is in a wheelchair and has a scarf over her bald head. She looks exhausted. She caught me looking at her and we smile at each other. I think she is alone. Over by the door is elderly man smiling from ear to ear. He is drinking that nasty crap they make us drink and he is loving it. It looks like his wife and maybe his son are sitting with him. They too have a smile on their faces but behind it is a worry I can see. He is loving that drink crap. He is holding his wife's hand and leaning over his lap to struck up conversation with his son who I would say is in his late 40's and dressed pretty well too. That man just seems happy to be with his family even though it in the waiting room for cancer scans. Goodness that little old man is an inspiration. His son seems to think so too.
There is a man with a whole group of people with him sitting on the other side of the room. I am listening to them talking to another couple sitting there. They drove four hours to get here for a PET CT SCAN. They must of taken a big van because there is a whole group of them. They seem to be making the best of the situation. It sure is nice to see all those people supporting him. The nurse just called the little old mans name to come to the back. Mr. Kennedy was his name and he jump right up and said, "I'm yours for a while, but my wife wants me back. The girl laughed and his wife shook her head yes and she looked so sad". He hopped right back with the nurse with that same big smile on. I bet he's trying to put a big front on for his wife and son. What a true leader of his family! I looked back over to the son and wife and she is now holding her son's hand. SWEET!!! I hope he gets good news.
I think I am next so I am going to end now. I will not get any results back until next week and I will update with a post. PROMISE. Please pray that I can finish the scan. It so painful for me anymore. I am putting the results in God's hands. What they are they are and I can't worry about them. It's out of my control right now.
Just called me name.
Sunny
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Little Miracles
I am sorry for the laps of post. I have been really trying to control the pain and focus on staying strong. It's been hard for me to sit at the computer. I really miss pouring my heart out in this blog. I forgot how therapeutic it is for me. Yesterday I was discussing with Mark how this bout of pain has really taken me down this time. I am so exhausted from fighting it that I have no energy to do anything but focus on controlling it. Through our conversation I told him I felt like everyone Else's lives are moving on and I am just on the outside looking in. Of course when I start talking that way Mark was instructed many years ago to snap me out of it. He told me that everyone is missing my posts and no matter how much pain I'm in I need to post. I knew he was right because I always feel better when I write it all down and then just move on.
I have to share with you an experience that I had this week with just a simple call to my cell phone company. I have been fighting with my cellular phone company about charges on my bill from Switzerland. To make a long story not so long, I purchased a international plan right before I left for my treatments in Switzerland. It was a plan that was to discount phone calls and text messaging for any international calls I make. I purchased the plan on my entire families phones so that the boys can call me anytime when I was gone and the bill would not blows us away. Well they charged our account but never gave us the discount. My phone bill from Switzerland was outrageous because they did not calculated it correctly. I have called AT&T six times since January and each time I am told I am right and they will credit my account. Well it never happened, so this being my seventh call it is safe to say that someone was getting a "Sunny Smackdown".
After going through the whole ten minute menu of press one for this, press eight for this, press 65 for a sandwich and diet coke, I finally get a live person. Of course now just in this phone call alone I have started to explain the situation three times and then quickly get placed on hold and transferred. I was in horrible pain and completely frustrated by now. A simple call which should take no longer the 10 minutes and is now going on 20 minutes and I have not even talked to the right person yet. Finally another operator answer and before he could say, "Hello my name is John and thank you for calling AT&T, how can I help you?", I immediately ask him to please don't transfer me. Once again explain the situation to John and he kindly says, just like the others, he will take the charges off. As he clicks on the keyboard he asked me how I enjoyed Basel, Switzerland. In a casual conversation I told him fine and he continued to ask more questions like why I chose Basel to travel too. I told him the reason for being there was cancer treatments. He of course, like everyone else, said he was sorry to hear that and then continued to click on the keyboard. after about a minute of him clicking and small talk he then said that he could hear in my voice that I have faith. I paused and said I do.
Then the conversation took a turn to faith and hope. We talked for a minute or two about believing in the impossible and miracles. He asked me if he could have his church pray for me. Of course I am a strong believer in pray and the more the prays the more God hears, so please spread the word. He then told me that he has been through a lot in life and something that he says over and over again is PUSH. I agreed that we should keep pushing but he took it further. PUSH meaning Pray Until Something Happens. I thanked him and joked that I was also going to PUSH that my bill gets corrected too. I really just wanted to end the call because I was exhausted and did not want to talk. At the end of the conversation he wished me blessing and told me that he needed to talk to me. He explained that his brother was just diagnosed yesterday with cancer and he did not know what to say to him. I told him to tell him what he just told me and if says he tells his brother he will pray for him to really pray for him.
He claimed he credited my bill, he wished me good luck and we ended the conversation. When I think about the whole purpose of the phone call it awes me as to what I got out of the call. Since I have been diagnosed I have been praying for the miracle of healing. Over and Over again I read the scriptures that tells about all the wonderful miracles of healing. I know that it is possible. But in the last few weeks I could not help by wonder why its taking so long. Maybe it's not God's will for me to be healed. I have been questioning why I have had so many small prays answered but that one big one has not been answered. When the pain is at its peak its so hard to keep myself from traveling to the dark side. I don't feel sorry for myself or ask why me but I do wonder why my pray for complete healing has not been answered.
After my conversation with AT&T John I realized that in waiting for that big miracle to be healed maybe I sometimes miss the little miracles. Maybe the conversation with John would never have happened if I was healed. I think both John and I needed to talk to each other. Who would of guess that a conversation like this one would had happen at that moment. But it did and it was meaningful to both of us. I would hope that even after I am cured I will still want to help others get through their cancer battles. But maybe God has other plans for me. I also hope that after I am cured I will still be moved by an event like what happen with John. I can tell you that my battle is getting harder then I ever expected. My kids and husband are tired of seeing me suffer. So am ready more then ever to receive my healing. I refuse to believe that it will never happen. I know that my cancer is suppose to be incurable. But I also know that nothing is impossible. I have to hang on to hope or I have nothing else left. I also know that throughout my battle there has been little miracles that are sometimes missed because I want so bad for the big miracle to come. I am going to try to focus my attention on those little miracles and still reach for the BIG ONE.
Please keep my family and myself in your prays. Its been a rough road lately and with our strength we are hanging on. Sometimes I feel like we are very much like that cute poster of the kitten falling and hanging on a rope, written on the poster is Hang In There. That is how we are doing it, if we let go a little down we will go.
With Much Love,
Sunny
I have to share with you an experience that I had this week with just a simple call to my cell phone company. I have been fighting with my cellular phone company about charges on my bill from Switzerland. To make a long story not so long, I purchased a international plan right before I left for my treatments in Switzerland. It was a plan that was to discount phone calls and text messaging for any international calls I make. I purchased the plan on my entire families phones so that the boys can call me anytime when I was gone and the bill would not blows us away. Well they charged our account but never gave us the discount. My phone bill from Switzerland was outrageous because they did not calculated it correctly. I have called AT&T six times since January and each time I am told I am right and they will credit my account. Well it never happened, so this being my seventh call it is safe to say that someone was getting a "Sunny Smackdown".
After going through the whole ten minute menu of press one for this, press eight for this, press 65 for a sandwich and diet coke, I finally get a live person. Of course now just in this phone call alone I have started to explain the situation three times and then quickly get placed on hold and transferred. I was in horrible pain and completely frustrated by now. A simple call which should take no longer the 10 minutes and is now going on 20 minutes and I have not even talked to the right person yet. Finally another operator answer and before he could say, "Hello my name is John and thank you for calling AT&T, how can I help you?", I immediately ask him to please don't transfer me. Once again explain the situation to John and he kindly says, just like the others, he will take the charges off. As he clicks on the keyboard he asked me how I enjoyed Basel, Switzerland. In a casual conversation I told him fine and he continued to ask more questions like why I chose Basel to travel too. I told him the reason for being there was cancer treatments. He of course, like everyone else, said he was sorry to hear that and then continued to click on the keyboard. after about a minute of him clicking and small talk he then said that he could hear in my voice that I have faith. I paused and said I do.
Then the conversation took a turn to faith and hope. We talked for a minute or two about believing in the impossible and miracles. He asked me if he could have his church pray for me. Of course I am a strong believer in pray and the more the prays the more God hears, so please spread the word. He then told me that he has been through a lot in life and something that he says over and over again is PUSH. I agreed that we should keep pushing but he took it further. PUSH meaning Pray Until Something Happens. I thanked him and joked that I was also going to PUSH that my bill gets corrected too. I really just wanted to end the call because I was exhausted and did not want to talk. At the end of the conversation he wished me blessing and told me that he needed to talk to me. He explained that his brother was just diagnosed yesterday with cancer and he did not know what to say to him. I told him to tell him what he just told me and if says he tells his brother he will pray for him to really pray for him.
He claimed he credited my bill, he wished me good luck and we ended the conversation. When I think about the whole purpose of the phone call it awes me as to what I got out of the call. Since I have been diagnosed I have been praying for the miracle of healing. Over and Over again I read the scriptures that tells about all the wonderful miracles of healing. I know that it is possible. But in the last few weeks I could not help by wonder why its taking so long. Maybe it's not God's will for me to be healed. I have been questioning why I have had so many small prays answered but that one big one has not been answered. When the pain is at its peak its so hard to keep myself from traveling to the dark side. I don't feel sorry for myself or ask why me but I do wonder why my pray for complete healing has not been answered.
After my conversation with AT&T John I realized that in waiting for that big miracle to be healed maybe I sometimes miss the little miracles. Maybe the conversation with John would never have happened if I was healed. I think both John and I needed to talk to each other. Who would of guess that a conversation like this one would had happen at that moment. But it did and it was meaningful to both of us. I would hope that even after I am cured I will still want to help others get through their cancer battles. But maybe God has other plans for me. I also hope that after I am cured I will still be moved by an event like what happen with John. I can tell you that my battle is getting harder then I ever expected. My kids and husband are tired of seeing me suffer. So am ready more then ever to receive my healing. I refuse to believe that it will never happen. I know that my cancer is suppose to be incurable. But I also know that nothing is impossible. I have to hang on to hope or I have nothing else left. I also know that throughout my battle there has been little miracles that are sometimes missed because I want so bad for the big miracle to come. I am going to try to focus my attention on those little miracles and still reach for the BIG ONE.
Please keep my family and myself in your prays. Its been a rough road lately and with our strength we are hanging on. Sometimes I feel like we are very much like that cute poster of the kitten falling and hanging on a rope, written on the poster is Hang In There. That is how we are doing it, if we let go a little down we will go.
With Much Love,
Sunny
Saturday, March 24, 2012
He gets knocked down and gets up again
Throughout my blog and in my book I talk a lot about perseverance. I have learned through this long cancer battle how to persevere through many hurdles this cancer brings. From the day I was diagnosed, the horrible chemo-embolizations, many experimental treatments, several surgeries, hip surgery, femur replacement and learning how to walk again, continuous pain, treatments that caused nasty side effects and did not work, huge financial burdens, and even several trips to Switzerland for difficult treatments I have tried my best not to give up and keep climbing the mountain. My faith has most of the time stayed pretty strong which gives me hope. I read every chapter in the Bible that speaks of perseverance and several books on how to keep going when the going gets tough. I have asked the Lord to help me get through my rough times and have seen those prays answered. I do believe that there is better days ahead so I keep on fighting until that cure is found. I thought that I knew what it meant to keep on going no matter how many times I fall. Never did I think I could learn the real meaning of perseverance through the life of my 15 year old son Austen.
Yesterday I watch my son play his first baseball game in 17 months, since his first surgery on his knee. April of 2011 Austen injured his ACL, MCL, meniscus and PCL of the right knee playing an AEU basketball game. He had reconstructive surgery a few weeks after the injury. He had 9 months of physical therapy just in time to start playing again in the middle of the basketball season. However he had missed the whole summer season of baseball, his true love. A week into basketball season he had his jaw dislocated. After two weeks of chiropractic work and rest he was back on the court only to injure his left knee the first game back. Thanks to much prayer the left knee was just a bad sprain of the MCL. Again going through physical therapy for five more weeks. I have to say I truly thought this would crush him emotionally.
I think back to a few days after his first surgery and the pain he was going through. I was helping him put his brace on, he look so sad and discouraged. I told him that this is just temporary and he would back to sports sooner then he could remember the pain. He said that he knew that, but he said it without convection. I really don't think he actually believed it then. We started talking about what he had to do to get back on the court or field. I could tell he felt defeated and scared. He had so much time on his hands without sports. I told him that this could be the most important time of his life. This is when he will learn what he is made off....yes physically, but mentally mostly. Of course like moms are suppose to do I hyped him up and told him he could do it all. However I don't think our conversation impacted him until I told him he was tough. He said, "I'm not as tough as you, mom. I hope I can do what you do." I laughed because I can't even open a pickle jar.....I am a weakling now....he thinks this is tough well this should be easy then. I said, "Are you kidding me, your have always been tough. I look at you for help". I explained to him that the times when I am losing my strength I just close my eyes and imagine the goal. I then told him that I really pray a lot and then my fears go away. I don't know what I said that changed him that day but the switch was on. Austen has never been afraid of anything. I call him my extremist because everything he does he does to the extreme.....both good and bad. Ever since he could walk he would try anything. He would never quit trying at something either. If it was learning to write his name or making the small basketball in the big boys hoop. I remember him at 3 years old going to a the basketball court at the park across the street from our first home and shooting and shooting. The ball never getting more then 6 feet from the ground. He would just say over and over again, "one more try, one more try". He thinks he not as tough as his little mom. He is crazy.
After that talk which continued on for a while I saw the real Austen emerge. He worked so hard to get back to his old sports self. He went to physically therapy 3 to 4 times a week all summer and fall. When his friends were at the swimming pool or summer barn fires, Austen was either at the gym or at physical therapy. He would come home and do more work for an hour or two in his room. School started and homework kicked in. When he wasn't studying he was rehabbing. He was so determined to be in the best shape he could be as fast as possible. After all his hard work he was so excited to go back to the surgeon to get the okay to go back to sports just before basketball tryouts. But when the surgeon XRayed him he told Austen he needed six more weeks of rehab. The surgery was more then most he does and the muscles around the knee were just not strong enough to hold up for basketball. I was crashed for him. I think I cried harder that night then I did after my last scan reports when they told me my liver tumors were growing faster. He did not shed a tear. He was not discourage at all. In fact he had that Austen determination in his eyes again. That look I see in him when he losing a game he wants to win. He worked even harder and harder those six weeks. Mark and I went to Switzerland for my treatments and Austen just kept on working. The week we got back Austen started back to basketball finally.
After two practice I got a call from him that he needed me to come get him in the trainers office. Of course I was praying that it was not his knee. You would think all that I have been through I would learn to not panic of a knee injury. It's not life threatening. It's his knee....but to him its his love of sports. I just thought that another injury would really break him. When I got there he looked like he did a few rounds with Tyson. He had gotten knocked in the jaw going for a rebound and is was dislocated. Another two weeks out. He took it with such a great attitude. He didn't complain or feel sorry for himself in the least. He did what he had to do to get back and in two weeks he was back.
Of course his toughness was not done being tested, first game back Austen drove for the ball and pop. I was sitting at the top of the bleachers and his scream echoed through my heart. He went down and was holding his other knee. Honestly, I felt sicker to my stomach then any amount of chemo could do for me. After MRI the news was not so bad.... sprained MCL and 6 weeks of rehab. Austen took it like a man and back at it he went. Worked hard and did everything and more to get strong again. Never a complained, a "why me" or even a crap this happened....he just plugged along. Went to every physical therapy, gym work and every basketball practice and game to cheer his team on. Just like he did for baseball the summer of the surgery.
Through his whole recovery I had learned so much about my son and about me. I learned that he has true faith in the Lord. Many times I prayed with him and many times he would pray himself. I don't lecture a lot about praying. I tell them to pray or ask if they want to pray with me but I don't want to turn them off. I think its important for them to SEE me have faith not me TELL them to have faith. My actions of pray and faith is what they need. They don't need me nagging at them to have a relationship with God. Nor do they need me always quoting the Bible. They need me to show them how to live like a Christian so that they know how to live that way too. I see that I never needed to lecture Austen about God because he got it and turned to Him during his rough time. I learned that he is the toughest teen I have every come across. Mostly I have learned that nothing is going to knock him down. He has hope and dreams that no injury will hold him back from. He showed me that he is truly a man. One that I can say knows how to reach deep down and pull out the best. Through all those months of rehab never once did Austen say the words, "I CAN'T". I don't think he ever thought those words either.
He showed me that perseverance is to have commitment to overcome adversity. To have perseverance you must know how to work hard and endure pain. He should me how to bear difficulties calmly, with patience and without complaints. Of all the days of physical therapy or gym time he never once did not want to go. He even missed a vacation because he did not want to miss his work outs. I have to say I really learned from him. We even did therapy together. I was learning how to strengthen my new leg. I tried to challenge him and he would laugh at me. He really was my rock through that time. I would see him watching me out of the corner of his eye to make sure I was OK. He would ask me for a thumbs up across the room and of course would pretend that I was great. We would chat on our way to and from in the car. He would talk to me as long as I let him listen to his music which I have to admit I kinda learned to like. But he never quit and would never let me quit.
So when I sat at his first High School baseball game I sat with one eye closed every play he made and every hit he had. When he ran the bases I held my breath until he made it to the next base. But I have to say I sat and watched with such pride. Yes he had a great game but that was not what my pride was about. My pride was that he played like he never missed a step. After the game, for the first time in 17 months I saw that Austen smile and wink. He of course has smiled through his injury but it was not the same one. There was something missing. Well when he ran off the field after the third out he looked over a me and there it was. The wink and smile that said, "I'm Back Mom". I held back the tears until I got home and said my prays of thanks.
I want to be humble about my son but I also want to express what I have learned from him. I guess I expected him to succeed after the first surgery but he kept getting knocked down time after time.....he kept getting back up. I could say that my cancer battle taught him how to fight back from this injury, but I know that this time cancer had nothing to do with it. It is his inner soul that got him back on that field. His self assurance that he could do it. Mostly though, it was his FAITH in God and his continue prays that gave him the hope. It's hard to look at our children for knowledge. As a mom I want to think that everything they have become is because of me. But this time I know deep down that what I have become is because of him.
Pleases pray that Austen stays healthy all season.
With Pride,
Sunny
When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown
Yesterday I watch my son play his first baseball game in 17 months, since his first surgery on his knee. April of 2011 Austen injured his ACL, MCL, meniscus and PCL of the right knee playing an AEU basketball game. He had reconstructive surgery a few weeks after the injury. He had 9 months of physical therapy just in time to start playing again in the middle of the basketball season. However he had missed the whole summer season of baseball, his true love. A week into basketball season he had his jaw dislocated. After two weeks of chiropractic work and rest he was back on the court only to injure his left knee the first game back. Thanks to much prayer the left knee was just a bad sprain of the MCL. Again going through physical therapy for five more weeks. I have to say I truly thought this would crush him emotionally.
I think back to a few days after his first surgery and the pain he was going through. I was helping him put his brace on, he look so sad and discouraged. I told him that this is just temporary and he would back to sports sooner then he could remember the pain. He said that he knew that, but he said it without convection. I really don't think he actually believed it then. We started talking about what he had to do to get back on the court or field. I could tell he felt defeated and scared. He had so much time on his hands without sports. I told him that this could be the most important time of his life. This is when he will learn what he is made off....yes physically, but mentally mostly. Of course like moms are suppose to do I hyped him up and told him he could do it all. However I don't think our conversation impacted him until I told him he was tough. He said, "I'm not as tough as you, mom. I hope I can do what you do." I laughed because I can't even open a pickle jar.....I am a weakling now....he thinks this is tough well this should be easy then. I said, "Are you kidding me, your have always been tough. I look at you for help". I explained to him that the times when I am losing my strength I just close my eyes and imagine the goal. I then told him that I really pray a lot and then my fears go away. I don't know what I said that changed him that day but the switch was on. Austen has never been afraid of anything. I call him my extremist because everything he does he does to the extreme.....both good and bad. Ever since he could walk he would try anything. He would never quit trying at something either. If it was learning to write his name or making the small basketball in the big boys hoop. I remember him at 3 years old going to a the basketball court at the park across the street from our first home and shooting and shooting. The ball never getting more then 6 feet from the ground. He would just say over and over again, "one more try, one more try". He thinks he not as tough as his little mom. He is crazy.
After that talk which continued on for a while I saw the real Austen emerge. He worked so hard to get back to his old sports self. He went to physically therapy 3 to 4 times a week all summer and fall. When his friends were at the swimming pool or summer barn fires, Austen was either at the gym or at physical therapy. He would come home and do more work for an hour or two in his room. School started and homework kicked in. When he wasn't studying he was rehabbing. He was so determined to be in the best shape he could be as fast as possible. After all his hard work he was so excited to go back to the surgeon to get the okay to go back to sports just before basketball tryouts. But when the surgeon XRayed him he told Austen he needed six more weeks of rehab. The surgery was more then most he does and the muscles around the knee were just not strong enough to hold up for basketball. I was crashed for him. I think I cried harder that night then I did after my last scan reports when they told me my liver tumors were growing faster. He did not shed a tear. He was not discourage at all. In fact he had that Austen determination in his eyes again. That look I see in him when he losing a game he wants to win. He worked even harder and harder those six weeks. Mark and I went to Switzerland for my treatments and Austen just kept on working. The week we got back Austen started back to basketball finally.
After two practice I got a call from him that he needed me to come get him in the trainers office. Of course I was praying that it was not his knee. You would think all that I have been through I would learn to not panic of a knee injury. It's not life threatening. It's his knee....but to him its his love of sports. I just thought that another injury would really break him. When I got there he looked like he did a few rounds with Tyson. He had gotten knocked in the jaw going for a rebound and is was dislocated. Another two weeks out. He took it with such a great attitude. He didn't complain or feel sorry for himself in the least. He did what he had to do to get back and in two weeks he was back.
Of course his toughness was not done being tested, first game back Austen drove for the ball and pop. I was sitting at the top of the bleachers and his scream echoed through my heart. He went down and was holding his other knee. Honestly, I felt sicker to my stomach then any amount of chemo could do for me. After MRI the news was not so bad.... sprained MCL and 6 weeks of rehab. Austen took it like a man and back at it he went. Worked hard and did everything and more to get strong again. Never a complained, a "why me" or even a crap this happened....he just plugged along. Went to every physical therapy, gym work and every basketball practice and game to cheer his team on. Just like he did for baseball the summer of the surgery.
Through his whole recovery I had learned so much about my son and about me. I learned that he has true faith in the Lord. Many times I prayed with him and many times he would pray himself. I don't lecture a lot about praying. I tell them to pray or ask if they want to pray with me but I don't want to turn them off. I think its important for them to SEE me have faith not me TELL them to have faith. My actions of pray and faith is what they need. They don't need me nagging at them to have a relationship with God. Nor do they need me always quoting the Bible. They need me to show them how to live like a Christian so that they know how to live that way too. I see that I never needed to lecture Austen about God because he got it and turned to Him during his rough time. I learned that he is the toughest teen I have every come across. Mostly I have learned that nothing is going to knock him down. He has hope and dreams that no injury will hold him back from. He showed me that he is truly a man. One that I can say knows how to reach deep down and pull out the best. Through all those months of rehab never once did Austen say the words, "I CAN'T". I don't think he ever thought those words either.
He showed me that perseverance is to have commitment to overcome adversity. To have perseverance you must know how to work hard and endure pain. He should me how to bear difficulties calmly, with patience and without complaints. Of all the days of physical therapy or gym time he never once did not want to go. He even missed a vacation because he did not want to miss his work outs. I have to say I really learned from him. We even did therapy together. I was learning how to strengthen my new leg. I tried to challenge him and he would laugh at me. He really was my rock through that time. I would see him watching me out of the corner of his eye to make sure I was OK. He would ask me for a thumbs up across the room and of course would pretend that I was great. We would chat on our way to and from in the car. He would talk to me as long as I let him listen to his music which I have to admit I kinda learned to like. But he never quit and would never let me quit.
So when I sat at his first High School baseball game I sat with one eye closed every play he made and every hit he had. When he ran the bases I held my breath until he made it to the next base. But I have to say I sat and watched with such pride. Yes he had a great game but that was not what my pride was about. My pride was that he played like he never missed a step. After the game, for the first time in 17 months I saw that Austen smile and wink. He of course has smiled through his injury but it was not the same one. There was something missing. Well when he ran off the field after the third out he looked over a me and there it was. The wink and smile that said, "I'm Back Mom". I held back the tears until I got home and said my prays of thanks.
I want to be humble about my son but I also want to express what I have learned from him. I guess I expected him to succeed after the first surgery but he kept getting knocked down time after time.....he kept getting back up. I could say that my cancer battle taught him how to fight back from this injury, but I know that this time cancer had nothing to do with it. It is his inner soul that got him back on that field. His self assurance that he could do it. Mostly though, it was his FAITH in God and his continue prays that gave him the hope. It's hard to look at our children for knowledge. As a mom I want to think that everything they have become is because of me. But this time I know deep down that what I have become is because of him.
Pleases pray that Austen stays healthy all season.
With Pride,
Sunny
When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Greatness out of Tradgey
It was a sad day in Pittsburgh on Thursday March 8th. A gunman went into our local psychiatric hospital and shot 11 people killing one. The victim Micheal Schaab was a 25 year old therapist who wanted to dedicate his life to helping others. He had just got engaged to be married this Valentines Day. He was coming back from his lunch break and in his pocket was a money order written to his college where he just register for his PHD. To make the situation even more heartbreaking for the victims family, his sister was murder 18 months earlier in a domestic situation. Yesterday the news stations cover Mr. Schaabs funeral. They interviewed many friends and family members that had so many touching things to say about Micheal: he was so kind and giving, wanted to help the elderly with mental illness, loved his family especially his parents, would light up the room when he walked into it. One of his co-workers said that she would look on the schedule and if Michael was working she knew it would be a great day. However the interview that sticks in my head the most was the interview with his own father. From his words and calmness you could just tell this man had tremendous faith. What touched me the most was how he talked about the out pour of kindness that his family was receiving. The "private" funeral was attending by well over 500 people. He said the donations, food, letters, flowers and prayers have helped him and his wife get through the lost of their last child. Then holding back his tears he said something that I can not get out of my head, he said Michael's death has shown his wife and himself that the world has so many good people in it.
I am talking about this tragedy for one reason only. To show that evilness can bring out greatness in people. Of course, I am not saying that this poor boy should of ever died for kindness to be seen. I think kindness and greatness is everywhere it's just takes someone hitting rock bottom to really notice it. My point is that one mans wickedness can be over taken by hundreds and hundreds of those who are wonderful. When I hear that the world is full of immorality and sin I don't see it like that. I feel that we are giving one man way too much credit for his wrathful acts and lets face it that is what he wanted. Michael's parents said that are going to set up a foundation in his name so that his death does not go down in vain. Imagine how many people that foundation can save. Very similar to the death that happened 2012 years ago.
I know I have said this so many times but my life has changed from my cancer. Yes, I have suffered much. In fact this last round of treatments was so tough I can't imagine going through it again, but I will if I need to. My husband, boys, family and friends have suffered watching me fight and cried from this monster that is growing in me. My life is not where I thought it would be at age 41. My business is slowing down, treatments have been so costly it has changed our life style, and we live not knowing what the future holds let alone tomorrow. Will I be in pain tomorrow? Will I be able to take the kids where they need to go? It all depends on what this cancer choices to do to my body that day. Although, that all sounds down and depressing it is not what I mean when I say my life has changed from this cancer. All the mentioned above is the obvious things that people may know or think cancer does to someone afflicted. But there is so much more that unless you have gone through it you cannot possible feel it.
My life is so full of caring people. I am not saying that I am busy and have this great social life, in fact that part is gone now too. I am home and doctor appointments mostly. I try hard to participate in other things but it's hard. I save my energy for my kids events mostly. I guess a better way to describe it is that my heart is full. I see things so differently then before cancer or BC is how we say it here at home. Little things like an appliance breaking down or car not starting is just that......a little thing. In fact I have not had an oven for over a year. When those things happen I shake my head and move on. Catty drama that others thing is the end of the world is more entertainment for me. And even large doctor bills get a I'll get to that attitude. Things that use to be small like a I love you mom or a kiss goodbye before leaving for school are huge things now......HUGE. That goodbye and I love you is a sincere one , not rush out the door and habit saying. The boys sports games that I have struggled to get to are huge......HUGE. I see my boys looking for me in the stands. Then I see a peace look on their faces when they see I made it. BC I never missed a game and they never noticed I was there or not. Game night or sitting to watch a movie with the family is huge.....HUGE. I know that our vacation this year will be ever bigger the huge. We had to cancel two because of me being to sick to travel and needing the finances for Switzerland.
Also, the out pour I have gotten through my journey is indescribable. However the way I feel about this love is not. I have said this so many times that you all may be tired of hearing it, but I have to say it, its like hundreds of hugs wrapped around me. I use to question why are people so good to me, but now I just accept it. I was talking to my pastor one day about how bad I felt about accepting dinners when I know that the people cooking for me are so busy. My pastor said to me that when I turn down help that I could use I was denying others of the blessing of giving. That whole idea made it so much easier. I never feel like I am fighting this cancer for myself. I think if I felt that way I may not be here right now, because I know that where I am going is a glories place. I feel like I am fighting for all those that have loved me and are cheering me on.
This all gets back to my original point. One evil man or one evil disease CANNOT take all the good out of the world and it possibly CAN make the world a better place. By no means am I comparing my battle to the lose that the Schaab family is feeling. But I am comparing the kindness of the world. The way others have reached out to the Schaab family is similar to the kindness I have experienced, which gives us some hope. It helps them put their feet on the ground in the morning when they are getting out of bed. Knowing that they have a backup for when they cannot go on helps them go on. Trust me I know this. Having a line of people that will tag in anytime you need them to help them and myself is what will get them through this long mountain they are going to climb for the second time in 18 months. Right now I am going to pray for this family that they somehow get some kind of good out of this senseless act. After hearing the father speak I somehow think he will be looking for the good.
Many will disagree with this post today. They will not understand how I can see the good out of murder or even a terminal cancer. But that is okay with me. I will say that yes its my faith but it is also what I have witness the past few years. I have seen people reach out to me to try to stop my heart from breaking. I have had many try hard to ease my pain and make my life easier. I have people give up their own time to help me. I have had family change their life to take care of my children. I have had people rally together to get me to Switzerland for the treatments I need. So it may be my faith but its also the actions of others that make my post today my belief.
Please keep your prayers going for the Schaab family as they mourn the lost of both their son and their daughter. I pray they somehow get blessed out of the tragedy.
“It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life, that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.”
I am talking about this tragedy for one reason only. To show that evilness can bring out greatness in people. Of course, I am not saying that this poor boy should of ever died for kindness to be seen. I think kindness and greatness is everywhere it's just takes someone hitting rock bottom to really notice it. My point is that one mans wickedness can be over taken by hundreds and hundreds of those who are wonderful. When I hear that the world is full of immorality and sin I don't see it like that. I feel that we are giving one man way too much credit for his wrathful acts and lets face it that is what he wanted. Michael's parents said that are going to set up a foundation in his name so that his death does not go down in vain. Imagine how many people that foundation can save. Very similar to the death that happened 2012 years ago.
I know I have said this so many times but my life has changed from my cancer. Yes, I have suffered much. In fact this last round of treatments was so tough I can't imagine going through it again, but I will if I need to. My husband, boys, family and friends have suffered watching me fight and cried from this monster that is growing in me. My life is not where I thought it would be at age 41. My business is slowing down, treatments have been so costly it has changed our life style, and we live not knowing what the future holds let alone tomorrow. Will I be in pain tomorrow? Will I be able to take the kids where they need to go? It all depends on what this cancer choices to do to my body that day. Although, that all sounds down and depressing it is not what I mean when I say my life has changed from this cancer. All the mentioned above is the obvious things that people may know or think cancer does to someone afflicted. But there is so much more that unless you have gone through it you cannot possible feel it.
My life is so full of caring people. I am not saying that I am busy and have this great social life, in fact that part is gone now too. I am home and doctor appointments mostly. I try hard to participate in other things but it's hard. I save my energy for my kids events mostly. I guess a better way to describe it is that my heart is full. I see things so differently then before cancer or BC is how we say it here at home. Little things like an appliance breaking down or car not starting is just that......a little thing. In fact I have not had an oven for over a year. When those things happen I shake my head and move on. Catty drama that others thing is the end of the world is more entertainment for me. And even large doctor bills get a I'll get to that attitude. Things that use to be small like a I love you mom or a kiss goodbye before leaving for school are huge things now......HUGE. That goodbye and I love you is a sincere one , not rush out the door and habit saying. The boys sports games that I have struggled to get to are huge......HUGE. I see my boys looking for me in the stands. Then I see a peace look on their faces when they see I made it. BC I never missed a game and they never noticed I was there or not. Game night or sitting to watch a movie with the family is huge.....HUGE. I know that our vacation this year will be ever bigger the huge. We had to cancel two because of me being to sick to travel and needing the finances for Switzerland.
Also, the out pour I have gotten through my journey is indescribable. However the way I feel about this love is not. I have said this so many times that you all may be tired of hearing it, but I have to say it, its like hundreds of hugs wrapped around me. I use to question why are people so good to me, but now I just accept it. I was talking to my pastor one day about how bad I felt about accepting dinners when I know that the people cooking for me are so busy. My pastor said to me that when I turn down help that I could use I was denying others of the blessing of giving. That whole idea made it so much easier. I never feel like I am fighting this cancer for myself. I think if I felt that way I may not be here right now, because I know that where I am going is a glories place. I feel like I am fighting for all those that have loved me and are cheering me on.
This all gets back to my original point. One evil man or one evil disease CANNOT take all the good out of the world and it possibly CAN make the world a better place. By no means am I comparing my battle to the lose that the Schaab family is feeling. But I am comparing the kindness of the world. The way others have reached out to the Schaab family is similar to the kindness I have experienced, which gives us some hope. It helps them put their feet on the ground in the morning when they are getting out of bed. Knowing that they have a backup for when they cannot go on helps them go on. Trust me I know this. Having a line of people that will tag in anytime you need them to help them and myself is what will get them through this long mountain they are going to climb for the second time in 18 months. Right now I am going to pray for this family that they somehow get some kind of good out of this senseless act. After hearing the father speak I somehow think he will be looking for the good.
Many will disagree with this post today. They will not understand how I can see the good out of murder or even a terminal cancer. But that is okay with me. I will say that yes its my faith but it is also what I have witness the past few years. I have seen people reach out to me to try to stop my heart from breaking. I have had many try hard to ease my pain and make my life easier. I have people give up their own time to help me. I have had family change their life to take care of my children. I have had people rally together to get me to Switzerland for the treatments I need. So it may be my faith but its also the actions of others that make my post today my belief.
Please keep your prayers going for the Schaab family as they mourn the lost of both their son and their daughter. I pray they somehow get blessed out of the tragedy.
“It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life, that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.”
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Happy Times
I so appreciate all the emails, cards, texts, phone calls and FB messages. I know, I know, I know that you all worry when I have a lapse in blog post. Yes it does usually mean I am not doing as well as I want to be. The pain is off and on in intensity but unfortunitly it's always on. But also it's really hard for me to just sit at the computer at times and process my thoughts when I am going through a tough spell. All things I don't want to talk about in this post. I have blogged and released my tension and stress but I have not published them in the past week. I really don't want to put those times in this blog. Like I said before they are in my book so those who don't like to read the bad times can pass through them. Maybe a book two for these ones that I have not published. I must say I have been blessed with the popularity of book one. I just hope it is helping those climbing a tough mountain like me see that there is good in those bad times.
Speaking of seeing the good I had to jump on the computer and just tell everyone about my experience today. Several friends of mine reached out to me a few weeks ago and asked me if they could do a Zumbathon in my honor. For those who are not familiar with Zumba Dancing let me explain. It is a Latin-based exercise dance class....think Hip Hop Abbs goes south of the Border. In the past several years it has become a huge new way to get you groove on while you raise your heart rate and get in shape. So when they asked me if they could do one I thought this would be a small little get together that I can use to raise the awareness of carcinoid cancer and spread the word of early detection. Well let me tell you when things are lead by God, the friends that did this for me are wonderful Christian woman, nothing is small. The people just poured in and by noon O'Block JR High School in Plum, PA was completely packed. Everyone wearing the Carcinoid Colors of Zebra Print black and white. By 12:03 the dancing began and my heart was pounding.
I am still in amazement at the love that was pouring out. We had ranges of ages from 85 to 6 as well as first timers to experience Zumbaers. Even my teenage boys and their friends participated. Not sure if that was for me or for all the High School girls in tight yoga pants and short shirts but I didn't care.
I had some one message me a few hours later that truly touched me. This woman attended the event today and she said she has attended many of these events, so she's a regular. In her message she said of all the Zumbathons she has participated in she has never felt such love pouring out for one person. Have to say I felt that love too. I walked around the gym several times videoing the action. The love and hope was pouring out as much as the sweat. I kept thinking that all these people are working their butts off for my fight. What an awesome feeling that was!
I don't know why I have been so blessed with so much support, but I do know that all that support keeps me fighting. I feel this huge responsibility to battle this cancer with all I have because I have so many cheering me on and I don't want to let them down. So many have rallied around me and my family, that the two little words, "THANK YOU" seem just that....too little. But I don't know how else to express my gratitude expect to promise you I wont give up and I will pay this kindness forward at any opportunity I can. The most memorable moment of the day was when my oldest son Austen walked into the gym about 10 minutes after the dancing started. He put his arm around me and just said, "WOW MOM. Look at what you brought together". My answer to him was as simple as his sentence, "This is not because of anything I did Ace (that's what I call him), this is all the Man Above". He is working every minute through this cancer.
Thank you again everyone who came today and danced your butts off. And thank you all those who are loving me through this battle.
With many happy tears,
Sunny
Speaking of seeing the good I had to jump on the computer and just tell everyone about my experience today. Several friends of mine reached out to me a few weeks ago and asked me if they could do a Zumbathon in my honor. For those who are not familiar with Zumba Dancing let me explain. It is a Latin-based exercise dance class....think Hip Hop Abbs goes south of the Border. In the past several years it has become a huge new way to get you groove on while you raise your heart rate and get in shape. So when they asked me if they could do one I thought this would be a small little get together that I can use to raise the awareness of carcinoid cancer and spread the word of early detection. Well let me tell you when things are lead by God, the friends that did this for me are wonderful Christian woman, nothing is small. The people just poured in and by noon O'Block JR High School in Plum, PA was completely packed. Everyone wearing the Carcinoid Colors of Zebra Print black and white. By 12:03 the dancing began and my heart was pounding.
I am still in amazement at the love that was pouring out. We had ranges of ages from 85 to 6 as well as first timers to experience Zumbaers. Even my teenage boys and their friends participated. Not sure if that was for me or for all the High School girls in tight yoga pants and short shirts but I didn't care.
I had some one message me a few hours later that truly touched me. This woman attended the event today and she said she has attended many of these events, so she's a regular. In her message she said of all the Zumbathons she has participated in she has never felt such love pouring out for one person. Have to say I felt that love too. I walked around the gym several times videoing the action. The love and hope was pouring out as much as the sweat. I kept thinking that all these people are working their butts off for my fight. What an awesome feeling that was!
I don't know why I have been so blessed with so much support, but I do know that all that support keeps me fighting. I feel this huge responsibility to battle this cancer with all I have because I have so many cheering me on and I don't want to let them down. So many have rallied around me and my family, that the two little words, "THANK YOU" seem just that....too little. But I don't know how else to express my gratitude expect to promise you I wont give up and I will pay this kindness forward at any opportunity I can. The most memorable moment of the day was when my oldest son Austen walked into the gym about 10 minutes after the dancing started. He put his arm around me and just said, "WOW MOM. Look at what you brought together". My answer to him was as simple as his sentence, "This is not because of anything I did Ace (that's what I call him), this is all the Man Above". He is working every minute through this cancer.
Thank you again everyone who came today and danced your butts off. And thank you all those who are loving me through this battle.
With many happy tears,
Sunny
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Faith
I am sure many of you can guess that I haven't blog lately because I've been having a rough time. I also know that those who have seen me have been worried and the news that I am struggling has been spreading. I feel so blessed that I have so many that care and love me. Thank you for all the prayers, texts, cards, meals and messages. I have been tremendous bone pain. It's that kinda of pain that over takes you. It changes your personality and cares of the world. You would do anything for just a minute of relief. I never get a rest from it and I try so hard to fake it through when I need too. On Friday I was so tired of feeling crappy and I refused to let this cancer take me. So I had lunch with an old friend. A friend that I know it would not matter how sick I was or how much pain I was in because she would understand and not feel sorry for me. Mark was shocked when I came into his office dressed and ready to go. I just knew if I got out for only an hour it would at least keep my mind off the pain for that hour. The hour turned it almost three and it was so nice to chat with her. She has been with me through my whole battle on a quiet level. We don't talk all the time but she is that friend that I could call anytime to come running. So we caught up on everything and she knew exactly when I was getting exhausted and done. Of course when I got home I paid for it a little and slept through the rest of the day only to be awaken to Austen's phone call asking me to meet his basketball team at a local restaurant. I can't say no to the boys when they ask me to do something; I am always afraid I will never get that chance again. So that evening I spent an hour or so with more good friends. I was not the best company but they understood.
Saturday I have to say I was screaming in pain. I felt so bad for everyone in this home. I wonder how they deal with it so well. My goal was to get it under control so that I could watch my Logan play once soccer game. I have missed the last several and he made it quite clear that I needed to be here. I still don't know how I got through except that my Nolan helped me through the whole game. Getting me in and out of the car and up the bleacher where I sat on his puffy hoodie to be more comfortable. I have to say that telling you how much my boys help me sounds kinda sad for them. However, they are so amazing about the whole thing. I use to feel guilty about them having to be strong for their mom and then I have seen the great young men they have become and I am proud that they take my burdens at times. Logan played amazing as goalie and it really gave me such strength to keep fight this pain. Later that evening I venture out some more to a fundraiser for Austen's baseball team. That I have to say was probably the worst idea I had but I knew it was important for me to go because many or those running the fundraiser are those who have helped me over the years. Sunday morning I really paid for it when I struggle to get to church. Although, I look at it as I could stay home and be in pain or I could go out and try to accomplish something. Sitting at home was driving me crazy.
Sunday was just a day of complete torture. I honestly don't know how I and Mark got through. Except I have to say we did a lot of praying. Today it seemed to be getting better. Mark and I were talking today about the pain and what I was going through when he said he was really scared this weekend. Our conversation started turning towards keeping the faith. The faith that the pain will get better and that our prayers will be heard. We talked about the famous "Why?" this happens to me. Why do I have to go through this? Why it is important to know that there is a reason? Mark said to me, and I hope I got it right, "I think faith is like believing in advance what you will only understand and see in reverse". YES, YES that is what I have always wanted to say but never had the right way to say.
Saturday morning in the mist of all my complaining a friend of mine came over to visit. She comes over a few times a week to pray with me. It's been a real blessing to have her take her time to be with me and help me keep the faith. Anyways, I just lost it and sobbed. I was so tired and had not slept for more then an hour and half at the time. Not to mention the exhaustion my whole family was feeling because of this cancer. I have not broke down like that in over a year. I really don't feel sorry for myself I just keep plugging away. However, like I said early extreme pain can put you in a whole different place. I had lost my focus and mostly my patience.
That cry actually refreshed me to go on and not lose that faith. I do believe that I am going through this for a reason. I am not sure what that reason is and I wish I would hear the words cure real soon, but I really hold on to the hope that I will be healed one day. The doctors may say I am not living in reality but God is the only reality I need. I know this who post is going to make others uncomfortable when they read it. If it's hearing about my pain, my faith or just about hearing I am terminal, according to the doctors. This what my blog is though. It is for me to help others see that the worse is never the worse.
We have troubles all around us, that cannot defeat us. Sometimes we don't know what to do, but that doesn't me we give up and stop living. That is why I forced myself to participate in life this weekend. We are hurting sometimes, but that cannot destroy us. Giving up is not an option. We are not in our battles alone. Your physical body may be coming weaker or sicker, but it's up to you to keep you spirits new and strong. We may have small troubles that seem like huge hurdles now, but one day we will look back and see they were just bumps in the journey. Those bumps were there for a reason. It may be to teach us a lesson, make us stronger or to just slow us down and see what's important. What I have learned is the important thing is to set our eyes on not what we can see but what we cannot see. That is true faith. That true faith then gives us hope. The hope keeps us going and gives us perseverance.
I am going to keep up the fight every day. I pray that my faith does not shake. I need patience for God to show me what he has planned. And I need to keep my eye on what I can't see. Please be with me in pray.
Love,
Sunny
P.S. I wanted to let everyone know that on March 3rd we are have a Zumbathon for carcinoid cancer. Our goal is to raise awareness of this cancer. It is still the #1 missed diagnosed cancer. Early diagnosis is important. So I will be talking about how to detect. See above for more information.
Saturday I have to say I was screaming in pain. I felt so bad for everyone in this home. I wonder how they deal with it so well. My goal was to get it under control so that I could watch my Logan play once soccer game. I have missed the last several and he made it quite clear that I needed to be here. I still don't know how I got through except that my Nolan helped me through the whole game. Getting me in and out of the car and up the bleacher where I sat on his puffy hoodie to be more comfortable. I have to say that telling you how much my boys help me sounds kinda sad for them. However, they are so amazing about the whole thing. I use to feel guilty about them having to be strong for their mom and then I have seen the great young men they have become and I am proud that they take my burdens at times. Logan played amazing as goalie and it really gave me such strength to keep fight this pain. Later that evening I venture out some more to a fundraiser for Austen's baseball team. That I have to say was probably the worst idea I had but I knew it was important for me to go because many or those running the fundraiser are those who have helped me over the years. Sunday morning I really paid for it when I struggle to get to church. Although, I look at it as I could stay home and be in pain or I could go out and try to accomplish something. Sitting at home was driving me crazy.
Sunday was just a day of complete torture. I honestly don't know how I and Mark got through. Except I have to say we did a lot of praying. Today it seemed to be getting better. Mark and I were talking today about the pain and what I was going through when he said he was really scared this weekend. Our conversation started turning towards keeping the faith. The faith that the pain will get better and that our prayers will be heard. We talked about the famous "Why?" this happens to me. Why do I have to go through this? Why it is important to know that there is a reason? Mark said to me, and I hope I got it right, "I think faith is like believing in advance what you will only understand and see in reverse". YES, YES that is what I have always wanted to say but never had the right way to say.
Saturday morning in the mist of all my complaining a friend of mine came over to visit. She comes over a few times a week to pray with me. It's been a real blessing to have her take her time to be with me and help me keep the faith. Anyways, I just lost it and sobbed. I was so tired and had not slept for more then an hour and half at the time. Not to mention the exhaustion my whole family was feeling because of this cancer. I have not broke down like that in over a year. I really don't feel sorry for myself I just keep plugging away. However, like I said early extreme pain can put you in a whole different place. I had lost my focus and mostly my patience.
That cry actually refreshed me to go on and not lose that faith. I do believe that I am going through this for a reason. I am not sure what that reason is and I wish I would hear the words cure real soon, but I really hold on to the hope that I will be healed one day. The doctors may say I am not living in reality but God is the only reality I need. I know this who post is going to make others uncomfortable when they read it. If it's hearing about my pain, my faith or just about hearing I am terminal, according to the doctors. This what my blog is though. It is for me to help others see that the worse is never the worse.
We have troubles all around us, that cannot defeat us. Sometimes we don't know what to do, but that doesn't me we give up and stop living. That is why I forced myself to participate in life this weekend. We are hurting sometimes, but that cannot destroy us. Giving up is not an option. We are not in our battles alone. Your physical body may be coming weaker or sicker, but it's up to you to keep you spirits new and strong. We may have small troubles that seem like huge hurdles now, but one day we will look back and see they were just bumps in the journey. Those bumps were there for a reason. It may be to teach us a lesson, make us stronger or to just slow us down and see what's important. What I have learned is the important thing is to set our eyes on not what we can see but what we cannot see. That is true faith. That true faith then gives us hope. The hope keeps us going and gives us perseverance.
I am going to keep up the fight every day. I pray that my faith does not shake. I need patience for God to show me what he has planned. And I need to keep my eye on what I can't see. Please be with me in pray.
Love,
Sunny
P.S. I wanted to let everyone know that on March 3rd we are have a Zumbathon for carcinoid cancer. Our goal is to raise awareness of this cancer. It is still the #1 missed diagnosed cancer. Early diagnosis is important. So I will be talking about how to detect. See above for more information.
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